June 13, 2025 
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The subject line just said:
Mazal Tov – You’ve been accepted to Lev Emunah!
(I changed the name. You get it.)
I stared at it for a second, just… blank.
Then I clicked.
There it was. The official “yes.” The one I’d been refreshing for.
The one I wasn’t sure would come.
The one I thought would make me jump up and scream or cry or both.
But I didn’t scream. I didn’t even smile.
I walked into the kitchen. My mother was stirring soup with one hand and texting with the other, like she always does.
My father was at the dining room table, shoulders hunched over some spreadsheet.
My younger brother was asking if we could please switch to cholov stam just for one brand of ice cream, already.
I said it simply:
“I got in.”
My mother froze. Looked up.
Her eyes widened.
She said “Baruch Hashem” with this kind of trembling voice I didn’t expect.
My father got up and hugged me..a real hug. The kind you don’t even realize you need until you’re in it.
And then I saw it.
The relief on their faces.
That’s when it hit me.
This wasn’t just about me.
I saw it in my mother’s eyes..how tired she looked.
How many balls she’s juggling.
How she’s got one daughter in seminary, one in shidduchim, two in school, and one trying to prove she belongs somewhere.
I think this acceptance meant more to them than it did to me.
Because it wasn’t just a letter.
It was one less thing for them to worry about.
One less weight. One more box checked.
And I almost felt bad.
Because the truth is, I don’t even know if I’m happy yet.
I mean, yes, I’m grateful.
But also… nervous.
This whole thing – seminary, Israel, being away – it suddenly feels so real now.
And I don’t know if I’m ready.
I watched my siblings react.
Some smiled. Some shrugged.
One of them asked if seminary means I’ll finally learn how to make kugel.
But no one asked how I felt.
Maybe I wouldn’t know how to answer, even if they did.
This is supposed to be the high point..the big moment.
And yet I feel this quiet fog setting in.
Like: Now what?
More to come.
– Talmidah X
Sometimes the hardest part of waiting… is what comes after.
