Want to Get Married? The 10 Questions To Ask Yourself First

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Before You Ask “Do I Love Them?” Ask This First. Based on the teachings of Rabbi Manis Friedman 

Most people enter marriage asking the wrong questions.
Do I feel chemistry? Do I love them? Do they make me happy?

But marriage was never meant to be built on feelings alone.

Love rises and falls. Chemistry fades and returns. Emotions shift.
Marriage, if it’s going to last, must be rooted in something deeper.

This checklist isn’t about romance or butterflies.

Before deciding who to marry, it’s worth asking whether you’re ready for what marriage actually is.

Use these questions honestly.
Not to impress. Not to convince.
But to find out if you’re prepared to build something real.

Here are 10 Questions to Ask Before You Say Yes

1. Do You Love Marriage— Not Just Each Other?

• Do you believe marriage is sacred, permanent, and worth working for?
  
• Do you see marriage as a life structure, not just a romantic upgrade?
  
• Are you committed to being married even on days you don’t feel “in love”?
  

If the answer is “I’m not really the marrying type, but you’re special” — stop.

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2. Are You Willing to Belong to Someone — and Let Them Belong to You?

• Can you say: “I am yours” — not just “I love you”?
  
• Are you comfortable with exclusivity, loyalty, and permanence?
  
• Do you see commitment as grounding, not confining?
  

Marriage is not about having love.
It’s about being someone’s person.

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3. Do You Want a Home — Not Just a Relationship?

Ask yourself:

• Do I want to build a place where someone belongs?
  
• Do I understand that marriage is meant to eliminate aloneness, not just loneliness?
  
• Am I ready to make my spouse feel: “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be”?
  

A good marriage creates home, not entertainment.

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4. Can You Function Without Needing Love Fromthe Other Person?

• Do you expect your spouse to fill emotional voids?
  
• Do you need constant validation, reassurance, or romance?
  
• Can you give love without demanding it back on schedule?
  

Marriage collapses when both people need love instead of wanting each other.

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5. Do You Respect Intimacy — or Just Desire It?

Ask honestly:

• Do you understand intimacy as presence, not performance?
  
• Can you be fully there — without distractions, objects, or expectations?
  
• Do you see physical closeness as sacred, private, and unifying?
  

If intimacy is treated casually, marriage will feel shallow.

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6. Can You Remove “Things” That Come Between You?

Marriage requires eliminating obstacles:

• Screens (phones, TV, laptops in private space)
  
• Power struggles
  
• Scorekeeping
  
• Outside voices controlling your home
  
• Using “love” as leverage (“If you loved me, you would…”)
  

Marriage thrives in a no-thing zone.

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7. Do You Want to Become One — Not Just Stay Independent Together?

• Are you willing to merge schedules, priorities, and identity?
  
• Can you make decisions as “we” instead of “me”?
  
• Do you understand that marriage is a reunion, not a partnership contract?
  

If independence is the highest value, marriage will feel suffocating.

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8. Are You Comfortable With Gender Polarity and Complementarity?

(Not politics — dynamic.)

• Does the man feel comfortable being a giver, initiator, protector?
  
• Does the woman feel comfortable being a supporter, nurturer, builder?
  
• Do you naturally bring out each other’s masculinity/femininity?
  

Good chemistry feels like relief, not competition.

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9. Can You Disagree Without Undermining the Marriage?

• Can you argue without humiliating?
  
• Can you protect your spouse’s dignity publicly and privately?
  
• Do you avoid making your spouse look foolish — even when you’re right?
  

Marriage survives on respect, not correctness.

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10. Are You Willing to Grow For the Marriage?

Ask:

• Am I willing to become a better spouse, not just expect one?
  
• Will learning, faith, and self-improvement translate into how I treat my spouse?
  
• Can marriage be the place where I refine myself?
  

Marriage is not where growth ends — it’s where it begins.

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The Final Question (The Most Important One)

If love disappeared tomorrow — would I still want to be married to this person?

If the answer is yes,
love will come back.

If the answer is no,
love won’t save it.

Watch the full speech here: